Marriage gets messy. It’s like I’ve said before, we are broken people who marry other broken people and wonder why this becoming “one” can be so hard.

 When you cohabitate with another human, who happens to share in your jacked up and a mess-ness then life is going to get messy. We start to notice things we never thought we cared about.  I never even realized how much that ONE plate in the sink could affect my ability to go to sleep at night. I’ve heard before that when you get married, it’s like looking in a mirror because you can’t hide your quirks, your flaws, or your pet peeves. We can’t hide how selfish we actually are. “Here I am, in all of my glorious jacked up-ness. LOVE ME!”

For me, it’s like the way I feel when Daniel doesn’t close a drawer all the way, EVER, feels very similar to a dripping faucet on my brain. Much like the Bible specifically says, a nagging wife is like a dripping faucet. I think the Bible says this because God knew how different men and women were created to be, and yet, we are still supposed to serve and love one another in marriage, creating a home of peace. When we are nagging away, I think men hear the Charlie Brown teacher voice, ” Wah, wah wah, wah wah.” And here I am saying, if you would just acknowledge that I asked you to take the trash out, then I wouldn’t have to repeat myself multiple times resulting in me yelling irrationally, “Daniel! Can you PLEASE take out the trash NOW.” He’s like, wow, calm down crazy person.

I pride myself on not being “that” wife. I’m so laid back and so cool, I just never feel the need to nag (Daniel just fainted reading that because it’s so not true). I tried, and I’ve failed many times. But thank goodness that as husbands and wives, we are constantly growing. Thank goodness for the power of sanctification in our lives to be less selfish and more self-less. Thank goodness that how we begin a marriage doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be. We grow and learn one another and learn how to love one another better. 

The Pray, Don’t Say Concept – When I was doing youth ministry, I will never forget a story that one of the moms told me. She told a story about how she had it on her heart to adopt after they had their first child. She felt so strongly about it and kept asking her husband about it, so much that he ended up feeling like she was “nagging” him to adopt. After time, her friends told her to pray, don’t say. She stopped mentioning adoption completely and just started to pray for her husband’s heart for adopting. She prayed and prayed, and one day out of the blue, the husband approached her and told her he wanted to look into adoption. Can you imagine her response, “I’m sorry, what?!” 

After I heard this story, I’ve started applying it to my own marriage. We often diminish the power of prayer in our lives. Or if you are like me, I want to talk about it until I’m blue in the face with like every friend that will listen before I stop and think, “Oh yeah, I should totally pray about this.” What I realized after almost six years of marriage is that I can’t MAKE Daniel feel the same way I feel about anything. I can’t talk him into it or NAG him to death to comply. At the end of the day, all I need to do is pray. God is the creator of marriage and becoming ONE. God placed you two together and if you’re a believer, you both have the same Holy Spirit in you. That means whatever God lays on your heart, He can work in your husband or wife’s heart too. That also means that God cares for your marriage. So take those desires to Him, lay them at His feet and just pray. I promise that God can and will either change your own heart through the power of prayer or change his. 

“casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

So ladies, pray don’t say. Anytime I have something on my heart in regard to Daniel or our marriage or even a conviction I’ve been having, I have started intentionally NOT saying, and praying, praying, praying. I’ve seen it so many times how God shows up and turns hearts in a way I never could, no matter how convincing I think I am. 

We all may have legitimate frustrations, legitimate needs that he or she isn’t fulfilling. But God can move mountains, He can raise people from the dead, and He created us all. I believe that our creator can heal marriages, but also, even in the small things, I think God works in those things too. Let’s be intentional about praying for our marriages, praying for specifics, and see how God moves.

There’s a rumor going around that parents are losing sleep for things like newborns, transitioning kids from cribs to big beds, or even kids being afraid of the dark. And while yes, I admit, those ARE actual reasons that some of us parents are losing sleep these days, there’s another reason for the majority of us that we may not like to admit. 

I mean, all of us really want sleep, heck, we love it. We are adult enough to know the importance of sleep, and we remember all too well the newborn phase where crying before sleep was normal because we didn’t know how much sleep we were going to get that night. We remember, and so we SHOULD be wiser. We SHOULD know by now how much sleep we need to be at the top of our games the next day. We are at the age where we see significant differences in the bags under our eyes when we go without sleep. We see our patience levels decrease when we are tired. We already have mom-brain, so the lack of sleep just decreases our IQs significantly. We know by now that our minds need to run a million miles a minute, going over the many to-do lists in our heads to keep our family moving, productive and alive. We SHOULD know better. But, ugh, we just can’t. 

There’s this amazing feeling when you walk out of your child’s room at night, close the door behind you, and know you are FREE for at least a good 8-10 hours. Your rational mind is saying, “You should wash your face, take a vitamin, read a chapter on positive reinforcement, and go to bed.” But INSTEAD, we decide to watch mind-numbing TV, drink wine or do basically anything we wanted to do all day but couldn’t because our lives aren’t our own anymore. We are owned by these tiny demanding humans. And, in full disclosure, we wouldn’t have it any other way. We go and go and go because let’s face it, they make life worth living. But, oh man, those few hours to yourself. 

So, you kiss them goodnight, tuck them in, close the door behind you, and it’s at that moment when we are all faced with the impossible question, “Should I go to sleep, or go sleep-deprived tomorrow in order to get a few hours to myself?” The struggle is real. If we admit it, most of us choose the me-moments. And yes, that glass of wine and Netflix binging feels good in the moment, heavenly even. We get glimpses of how we felt when all we had to do was come home from work, make ourselves some cereal, pour a glass of wine and veg until we put ourselves into bed at a decent hour of around 9pm in order to be our freshest for our kick-A jobs the next day. Oh how ignorantly blissful our sleep life was then. Those witching-hour moments are almost euphoria for us now because we finally have the partner and kids we were always dreaming about in our single days, but now we are feeling free and carefree like we are in our single days again, if only for 2-3 hours at night. Win-win! 

We choose that me-time over sleep time and time again (against our better judgement) because we want to feel like ourselves again. We want a few moments where someone isn’t hanging or climbing on us. We want a few moments to ourselves where no one needs us. We enjoy the independent feeling of just BEING instead of taking care of everyone else. Sounds selfish. Yep. But if we, as parents, give and give and give, I think allowing ourselves those few hours to be selfish is more than needed; it’s survival. 

So, take the time you need mom and dad. You can sleep when your kids are….oh well, we may never sleep again. But, buy yourself some good eye cream, make a strong pot of coffee, and give yourself a break. You deserve it. 

Busy isn’t always better.  We love to say things like, “I’m just so busy…Keeping busy…Busy is good!” But like someone once told my pastor, “If the Devil can’t make you bad, he will make you busy.”

My guilt started on a Monday morning where I had MANY family demands and no work meetings on the schedule. Why do we feel so guilty for being at home with our child on a Monday morning? I thought to myself, “I should be doing more. I don’t feel accomplishment unless I do actual work.” I just said that in my head and wanted to slap myself because I KNOW taking care of our home, my hubby and my child is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. But, for the first year of Kennedy’s life, I worked a very stressful and demanding job while also learning how to be a mom all at the same time. So if my hair wasn’t on fire with to-do lists and demands, I somehow didn’t feel good about myself. (Side note: I LOVE to-do lists. I make to-do lists for my to-do lists. And there is nothing more gratifying than marking something off of your list. I actually will write something in that I already did, just to mark it off. End rant.) So without a long list of “important” things to do, why did I feel like crap about myself? 

In the words of my friend, Anna, I felt Bipolar – one moment I wanted to cry for joy that I get these moments with Kennedy, and the next I wanted to cry because I felt like I wasn’t doing anything significant (not to mention the lack of adult interaction).  And guys, even as I say it out loud I can hear myself and how wrong I am. I know that being a mom is the most important job I will ever have. And I thank God everyday that He allowed me to be a mommy. I know that we are shaping the minds and lives of tiny humans, and that’s a big responsibility! So I understand my ignorance when I say it, but it doesn’t mean many of us don’t have those days where we feel like, “What the heck am I doing with my life?!”

I tell myself often, it’s just a season. Have grace for yourself, Carol. Sometimes God wants to teach us new things that are important in new seasons that may be uncomfortable for us. A new job or career is stressful and has its own uncomfortable feelings, but so does the new season of being a mommy and being home more with our kids. It seems almost foreign to some of us that have worked our whole adult lives. I know that I’ll look back, even in a couple years when Kennedy starts school full-time, and be so thankful for the flexible schedule I had so that I could truly soak up and enjoy Kennedy’s toddler years. But I guess I need weekly reminders of that, because it gets hard. Ugh, the mom-guilt is never ending, no matter what our work status is. 

What I was missing  – When I was working full-time, being a wife and mommy, I’m sure from the outside it looked like I “had it all” or maybe even that our life was pretty perfect. And while I was happy, I was definitely neglecting some major parts of my life. Now that I know what I know, I have to remind myself often that when I was all about my job, I neglected my husband. It was all I could do to keep up with all of my work, do it with excellence and also keep a baby alive. And note, working full-time and loving your husband isn’t many of your struggles. It’s just one of the large reasons I think God called me to work less and love my family more, because it’s something He needed to teach me in this season. For my family, the person who suffered the most was my husband. I wasn’t his biggest cheerleader, I didn’t love and support him through his business. I definitely wasn’t asking myself what I could do to love him better. I also felt like housework was for some other way better version of women that I just didn’t get (God left that “girl” gene out of me to want to clean a lot and organize and do crafts.) For years I felt insecure about this. Why wasn’t I more like that? Well, God made me this way for a reason, and I had to find my own gifts and talents. But, in the mean time, God did teach me the value in making our home an oasis for my family. Daniel contributes…like in major ways. I literally don’t know where our iron is. I googled, “How to mop” once. No joke. But, there are things I can do to make his life better right now the same way he does by working hard so that I can be home more with Kennedy. He gives me that luxury because he works hard, so the least I could do is make sure he has some clean underwear on a Monday morning. 

What I’m NOT missing – I talk a lot to my friends about this mommy season we are in. How I say things I never thought I’d say like, “I just made us a pot roast in the crock pot.” or “I just need to do one more load of laundry before we go have fun.” Who have I become?! But, my friend Anna reminds me often, that we are shaping the minds of our tiny humans every single day, and we have a huge responsibility to disciple them into the kind of humans we (or God) wants them to be. We think these mundane days that never seem to end are insignificant, but we are teaching our kids how to be decent human beings, how to fall in love with Jesus, and how to be leaders in a world that desperately needs it. God calls each of us to be disciples, and maybe for now, your little humans are the people you need to be discipling.

Lead when others follow – When I was pregnant with Kennedy my biggest prayer for her was that she would be a leader. I prayed she would be bold and confident and lead when others followed. I prayed she would always have a humble confidence because she would be so rooted in who she was in Jesus that she wouldn’t be swayed by the world’s demands. But one thing I forgot when praying those bold prayers for her was KINDNESS. I want her to defend the weak and stand up for those who can’t. I want her to be a KIND leader who loves Jesus and loves others. That’s a TALL responsibility in that Daniel and I are going to be the main people to teach her those things. As little imitators, she is watching my every move, and I have to live each day with the same fierce kindness to show her how to do it. My favorite quote that is on her wall in her room is, “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” BE FIERCE baby girl, but be fierce for the right things.

This season is joyful, lonely, frustrating, and life-giving (notice the roller coaster of emotions). But be encouraged; seasons change. Our society is so hung up on being busy, and we are so over-stimulated with being constantly connected, that we miss out on some amazing seasons in life. We weren’t meant to feel constantly guilty! Dust off that guilt, grab your yoga pants (preferably with a shirt that covers your butt so our husbands don’t have to wear blinders while walking through a store) and ENJOY this season God has given you, whatever that looks like for you! Let’s choose joy instead of busy. Let’s choose present instead of perfect. 

 

Yes, you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t because my mind is in the gutter). I’m talking about sex.

You would think trying to have a baby, broaden your family horizon, etc. would be a fun experience. The many jokes you get about “practicing” and such. Well, for anyone who has ever been through the process of trying to conceive, waiting two weeks, finding out it didn’t work, crying, and then starting again for months and months, knows that it turns something God intended to be awesome into something that well, sucks.

No one intends to have trouble getting pregnant. It’s just one of those “next steps” in life…get a job, get married, have kids, get a van, etc. Then you get the job you like, finally meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, and decide, “Yes! Let’s start trying to have a baby! I’m sure it will take a couple months anyway.” Then, you run into roadblocks: It’s now been a year and no pink double lines yet, there’s a complication, we can’t explain it but you’re going to need fertility, etc.

Sometime during this beautiful and normal desire to have a baby, trying to conceive turns into a lonely and agonizing wait. Something that should be fun, “let’s try at least twice a day until it works!” turns into a constant reminder of what you don’t have. Poor husbands feel the mounted pressure (no pun intended) of performing on demand in very unsexy circumstances. Babe, I don’t care if the game is on, I’m ovulating! Not to mention how many sticks I’ve had to pee on over the last few years (there’s nothing sexy about that statement).

I’ve had so many friends tell me their stories of trying to conceive. They are all very different, yet have one theme that seems to be the same: loneliness, longing, hope and disappointment. No matter what the circumstance, it’s usually characterized by the agonizing two week wait where everything feels like a pregnancy symptom…I mean everything. Am I being more emotional than normal? My boobs are sore, I think…wait, yes, I think they are more sore than usual. Am I cramping, OH NO! I’m definitely cramping. Followed by tears and rushing to the store for a pregnancy test that you can’t actually use yet. It’s like I said before, the cycle of hope, despair, determination, and hope again. It’s all so exhausting.

Oh the loneliness (especially in this world where everyone shares their highlight reel on social media). All of a sudden everyone you know is either getting pregnant or having yet another baby. It seems like the whole world has what you want so badly. Before getting pregnant with Kennedy, we had been “trying” for a few months after a hysteroscopy surgery to remove a septum. We got a call from Daniel’s sister telling us she was pregnant, yet again, now her 4th child. I’m pretty sure I cried the entire way home from work that day and had all kinds of irrational thoughts about what I wanted to do to ALL of the pregnant women in the world. You can’t help but see people out and about who seemed like they didn’t even want kids, but were pregnant. After losing the first baby, we went on a trip to Chicago because I wanted to go somewhere that no one knew I had been pregnant and be “normal” for a few days. I SWEAR they were having a pregnant women convention in Chicago that week. I was like, seriously? Is EVERY single woman in this city pregnant with healthy babies?! My point here is this: trying to have a baby is one of the hardest things you can walk through as a couple.

With that said, I think God has taught us a lot about this journey.

Children are absolute miracles. No matter how God decides to give us children, whether it be through natural childbirth or through adoption, once you’ve had to learn every single thing there is to know about conceiving a healthy baby, you realize what a complete miracle of God it is. To see children who are unwanted or mistreated makes me want to pull out a chainsaw and go all crazy on someone. That is one reason I will always think that adoption is one of the most unselfish and beautiful things anyone can do. Children all over the world have no one to tuck them in at night and kiss their boo boos. That breaks my heart, especially because we as mom-wanna-be’s have so much love to give. If you have kids, take a moment to kiss every finger and toe, praising God for this tiny miracle (Even if they’re in the toddler or teenager stage).

God isn’t constrained by your circumstances. After losing babies, visiting a fertility doctor and finding out I had endometriosis and a uterine septum that needed to be removed, we finally got pregnant with Kennedy. My life verse became Matthew 17:20. “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard see, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

I had to BELIEVE that God can move mountains, raise people from the dead, and He could certainly knit this baby together perfectly despite my inability to carry a healthy baby. I believed that HE could even when I couldn’t. And well, He did. God’s hands are never tied, and no matter what the circumstance, He can move our mountains. I’ve seen women who were told they could never conceive on their own get pregnant and have healthy babies. In one case I know of, a friend had a miscarriage, and then lost the ability to conceive completely. Through that heartbreak, she started an adoption ministry that sparked a passion and desire for adopting children in hundreds of people. Another friend never conceived after years of trying and went on to start an orphanage in another country all the while God placed a child up for adoption basically right in her hands. God will not waste that desire in you to become a mother. He placed that desire in you, it is good, and He will use it for your good and His glory.

Lastly, God won’t waste a hurt. God never promised us a happy life. He actually promised us that we would go through trials. Our trials are either to draw us closer to Him or to accomplish something great through Him. My pastor, Joby Martin, tells a great example of how our Heavenly Father looks at us. He tells us how he gave his little daughter, Reagan, an iPad. She LOVED that iPad and was so happy when he gave it to her, which in return made HIM so happy because she is his daughter whom he loves dearly and wants to give good things to. But he always says, the day she wants the iPad more than a relationship with him will be the day he takes it away from her, for HER good. I think God looks at us that way sometimes, he WANTS to give us good gifts like babies and spouses because He is a good dad and He loves us. But sometimes, we go through trials because that’s the only time we actually stop and depend upon Him or stop and acknowledge He is the giver of all good things. Or sometimes, He allows us to go through trials because He has a greater purpose for us. What I know from experience is that because of all that we went through, God’s plan is better than mine. My marriage is stronger than it ever would have been because we had to learn that Jesus is enough, and we are honestly better parents now than we would have been before. We learned that despite the trial or circumstances, we could find joy in depending on Jesus. It sounds super cheesy and cliche, but it’s true. God put us through the ringer, and we are better for it. And now, I get to share our story with others who are going through similar circumstances and give HOPE.

If you are someone who is trying to conceive, start a family or extend your family, find hope in reading this. I’ve talked to so many women who have been in the same boat, and every single one of them, God has used for amazing things. Don’t feel alone because every time you go on Facebook someone else posted, “Big sister coming in April!” You don’t know how long it took them to conceive or what they went through to get there. Just remember the desire to be a mommy is a GOOD desire, and the waiting is HARD. But you have a good Dad who wants to give good gifts to you, and His timing and plan are ALWAYS better than our own. Praying your journey to mommyhood gets easier, and that with some bold prayers, perspective, lingerie and champagne we can get back to sex as a gift instead of a chore.

After I posted my last blog post, “I’m not enough,” a couple friends told me I should read a book by Jen Hatmaker called, “For the Love.”  Well, let me just say, I forced myself to read the first chapter on the elliptical this morning just to take my mind off the fact that I was actually working out and make time go by faster. Little did I know, I would end my workout by sobbing (literally), in the gym, in public. Jen Hatmaker, you get me.

After becoming a mom, we all go through that struggle of not feeling enough. We all feel the constant guilt that we can’t “do it all.” We all have tried and failed to be all of the things that society tells us to be in this day and age. And through Jen’s words in this book, in only the first chapter, I have decided to let myself off of the hook. I want to find joy in this season, and stop making myself unhappy because I can’t fulfill every awesome role I see in other women and just well, stop striving and find joy.

Now I’m going to literally quote her book because I think her words are so powerful, I want each of you reading this to experience the same freedom I felt:

“Balance. It’s like a unicorn; we’ve heard about it, everyone talks about it and makes airbrushed T-shirts celebrating it, it seems super rad, but we haven’t actually seen one. I’m beginning to think it isn’t a thing.

“Here is part of the problem, girls: We’ve been sold a bill of goods. Back in the day, women didn’t run themselves ragged trying to achieve some impressively developed life in eight different categories. No one constructed fairy-tale childhoods for their spawn, developed an innate set of personal talents, fostered a stimulating and world-changing career, created stunning homes and yardscapes, provided homemade food for every meal (locally sourced, of course), kept all marriage fires burning, sustained meaningful relationships in various environments, carved out plenty of time for “self-care,” served neighbors/church/world, and maintained a fulfilling, active relationship with Jesus our Lord and Savior. You can’t balance that job description. Listen to me: No one can pull this off.”

“The trouble is, we have up-close access to women who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging, we see career women killing it, craft moms slaying it, chef moms nailing it, Christian leaders working it….We combine the best of everything we see, every woman we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that. It is certifiably insane. The only thing worse than this unattainable standard is the guilt that follows when perfection proves impossible.”

Paraphrasing here, but when we TRY to be all of that, we are left feeling like we are doing  a terrible job at EVERYTHING.

Here’s the point where she kicked me in the face: “This is beyond unreasonable. It is destructive. We no longer assess our lives with any accuracy. We have lost the ability to declare a job well-done. We measure our performance against an invented standard and come up wanting, and it is destroying our joy…Our primary defaults are guilt and exhaustion.”

She goes on to explain that there are seasons in our lives. So ask God what’s important for you to take on IN THIS SEASON. Determine what FUELS you and keep that on your list. Determine what DRAINS you, and cut it from your life (even if it’s just for this season). She says, “We need to quit trying to be awesome and instead be wise.”

People will understand when you have to say “no” because they have seasons and boundaries too. So, don’t be afraid to say NO to some of the opportunities that come your way that could take you away from your family or your sanity. (Insert HUGE sigh of relief.)

Some examples from my own life: 9-5 desk job climbing the corporate ladder (I’d rather die), classroom mommy at school (just prescribe me Xanax now), crafts and decor for every event (Nope.), growing organic veggies for my family in the backyard (I literally touch a plant and it dies). These things, I’m going to stop STRIVING for, and decide it’s not the season for this in my life (or ever). As for the fueling, hosting friends at our home (YES and AMEN). Working on my own time so I can still put Kennedy down for naps and I don’t miss the cuddles that I won’t get anymore one day (sign me up), taking the time to write blogs to help inspire and encourage other women (you have no idea how much joy it brings me), working out (I literally couldn’t be sane without it), and making quality time (without Kennedy) to be with Jesus. You have to pray through your own list of demands and ask God what to keep and what to cut loose in this season of YOUR life too.

In conclusion, Jen goes on to say, “I deeply believe God want this freedom for us. Scripture instructs us to live presently and joyfully, resisting worry and believing Jesus set us free for freedom’s sake. We have an abundance of good and perfect gifts that often look like a messy house full of laughter, a ten-year-old running through a sprinkler, a heart unburdened by comparison, an afternoon nap, joy in using our gifts and leaving the rest to people better suited. Our generation is so hamstrung with striving and guilt, we no longer recognize God’s good and perfect gifts staring us in the face. What a tragedy. What a loss. We will never get these lovely years back.”

I don’t know about you, but I want to be free of this constant treadmill of achieving the perfect balance and becoming the perfect woman, mom, boss, etc. I want what Jen Hatmaker states so well about finding joy in the season I’m in.  God didn’t want us to do it all, all of the time. He wants us to find joy in each new season and have grace for ourselves. Friends, help ME rest and find joy in this season and stop trying to live up to impossible standards. 

Link to purchase this book, because it’s AWESOME: http://tinyurl.com/YouGetMeJen

Being a mom is demanding. We are in constant demand and there are these tiny creatures that ALWAYS need something from us. And for every mom I know, mom isn’t our only title. We are called mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, coworker, boss, entrepreneur, CEO of our home, and more. The demands are overwhelming and at the end of the day, my response is often, “I’m not enough.”

I can’t possibly be all things to all people. When I was a stay at home mom,  God was teaching me the value in the whole mom thing, being a supportive wife, and making our home an oasis, but I missed working and felt God calling me to pursue a dream He placed in my heart. Now that I’m working again, I feel my home life slipping as my tendency is always to focus on, in the words of Rhianna, “werk werk werk werk werk.”

We’re BUSY, rushed, and frustrated. Especially now that school has started back. Trying to have a quiet time with God (quiet moment to yourself in general) goes from being something so peaceful and filling to immediate frustration as your toddler is screaming or scribbling on your journal notes as you try and write or decides to wake up an hour early the one morning you actually set your alarm an hour earlier SO THAT you could spend that time fueling up for the day. It’s like having road rage while listening to worship music…NOT happening. The demands are endless. We try and keep our home clean, but have little tornadoes of destruction that follow behind us. We shoot for success at our jobs but feel that twinge of guilt that we aren’t more present with our children. We try and leave work at work, but the demands and expectations are high, so we sacrifice time with our family to finalize one more thing. Our friends are hurting, but our own family demands keep our eyes on ourselves instead of reaching out to friends that need us. We don’t call our moms enough (sorry mom, I DO love you and want to talk to you everyday). We don’t show our husbands enough support or respect. We are supposed to be their biggest cheerleader, but after a day of demands, all we want is a second to ourselves. The demands are ridiculous, and we can’t keep up. The real point here is that it’s true, I’m NOT enough.

I tried to find the proverbial “balance” everyone speaks of, equal times for all things so I rock it all. But at the end of the day, life isn’t about balance, it’s about perspective. I’ve realized that the verse we all know so well, “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” rings so very true for us moms. I cannot, and will not be enough on my own. I can’t possibly be all the things I need to be out of my own strength. I’m weak and afraid, I am selfish and prideful. So, on my own, I just can’t. I need HIM. I need something supernatural to make me the super woman I really want to be.

I need to stop, collaborate and listen (did I seriously just do that?). I NEED to abide in the creator of the universe who created me to be unique, to be the bold, brave daughter He called me to be. He planned this whole thing out before my existence, so I need Him to walk through it.

So, in this busy season of our lives, let’s remember this: The “BUSY” is often the reason we don’t make time for our relationship with Jesus, but the BUSY is why we have to. All summer I struggled to make time for God. I grew super distant and my insecurities and fears grew too. Not making time for the relationship was making everything worse. I don’t know if you guys feel the same way but when I’m not spending time with Him, my life feels like a big ole cluster in every way. I’m a worse mom. I’m the worst wife. I’m not great at my job, and I’m not motivated.  The enemy wants to lie to us in those moments, even telling us we can handle it all, we don’t need Him, or even that we don’t deserve God’s grace because we hadn’t made time for Him in too long. One morning recently, I had to remind myself after feeling so distant from God that as my pastor, Joby Martin, says, “Faith isn’t a fuzzy feeling. It’s believing that God is who He says He is and He always keeps His promises.” So as I reluctantly started my quiet time feeling guilty and distant I had to remind myself that God never changes. God’s love is unconditional. His love isn’t based on our faithfulness or our actions (Phew!). He doesn’t love the way we love, and so because of Jesus’s sacrifice, His grace and mercies are new every morning. And greatest of all, we are His children. He adopted us into His family so we DO possess supernatural strength. Amidst the busyness, the chaos of our lives, we can go confidently to the throne of grace and peace and be made better. When fears, insecurities or feelings that we’re not enough arise, it’s time to preach grace to ourselves each new day.

Being a mom takes lots of patience, discipline, time management skills, love (the verb not the feeling), and the list goes on and on. All of which I do NOT possess on my own, only through tapping into the Holy Spirit who lives in me can I be the SUPER WOMAN I long to be. So rest in that precious daughter of the King. Lock yourself in your closet for 5 minutes to REST in Him so He can fill you up to kick ass today.

In light of the movie, Bad Moms, coming out soon, I thought I’d do some confessions myself as a self-professing “Bad Mom.”

Adulting is exhausting. I consider myself a “young at heart” kind of gal. I don’t FEEL 34 years old (wait, am I 34 or 35?). I still feel like a 20 year old who likes to play, until I’m around other twenty somethings, and realize maybe I am a little older than I thought. There are many times I wake up on a Saturday and just want to grab a towel, a cooler and a couple chairs and head to the beach. But, then I remember I have a child, and I have to do 456 things in order to get our family ready for an exhausting (instead of relaxing and fun) beach day. So it’s usually at that point when Daniel and I are like, eh, maybe we should just chill in the back yard. Having a child forces you to grow up and I don’t always want to be a grown up. Thank goodness for date nights, babysitters and wine!

Sometimes I just really don’t want to be creative. That’s why God gifted some women to be teachers and nannies and babysitters, right? I’ve said it a million times, I’m not crafty, so finding things to stimulate a toddler’s mind is pretty mind-numbing to me. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to come up with creative things for Kennedy to do (God bless the women who are great at that and love it). I am doing great if I sit beside Kennedy at her little table for 20 minutes while she scribbles on some paper with a marker, and then as she gets bored (and I get bored), she begins to marker herself, and I think, Eh, I should make her stop, but she’s entertained and it washes off, right? 

We use digital babysitters, often. There are definitely times when we use a digital babysitter to keep Kennedy occupied until bath time! Like the car for instance, it started out as “we’ll just use this DVD player when we travel.” And then went to, well, she’s fussy today so I’ll just turn it on so I can run errands. And then now, it’s a ritual when I put Kennedy in her car seat, that puppy goes on. I’m also the mom in target who suffices my child with my phone so she will give me just 15 more minutes to shop. I confess. 

I mess up often. I can’t tell you how many “mom fails” I’ve had since becoming a mommy. I’ve forgotten to buckle Kennedy in to her car seat, got home and was like, oh crap. Before she could crawl, I left her in the middle of our bed for two seconds, and miraculously she learned to crawl in that moment, crawling herself right off the bed with a big thud. At that moment I prayed hard that God wouldn’t let me do anything, mess up bad enough, to hurt our child, because I knew in that moment that I’m going to mess up…a lot. I realized I’m a mess who married a mess, and we created a little tiny mess, so it’s going to be messy.

I don’t want my only identity to be mommy. As much as I love Kennedy and thank God for her every single day, I still want to be me, and I hope one day she respects me for that! I want to be seen as smart, marketing-savvy, attractive (to my husband of course), funny (even if only to myself), and I want to be a friend, a companion, a wife, a business woman, and entrepreneur! I want to be like the Proverbs 31 woman who not only took care of her children and her home, but was a kick ass business woman with multiple side jobs. The point I’m trying to make is that while I LOVE being a mommy, and it has completely changed my life for the better, I don’t ONLY want to be seen as a mommy. I confess.

So with all of this on the table, what do we do with our messy selves?

I’ve come to the conclusion that our kids don’t need perfect moms and dads. I’ve learned that our kids need parents who love them and live out their faith in front of them in the daily rhythms of life. Andy Stanley once said, “Your greatest contribution to the kingdom may not be what you do, but in who you raise.” Showing our kids how a relationship with Jesus works isn’t through being perfect, because that’s not the Gospel. Living out our faith to our children is more about showing them what a relationship filled with love and grace looks like. Pastor Jerry Sweat said, “Children aren’t great listeners, but they make phenomenal imitators.” I took this to heart, because taking our kids to church for one hour on the weekends isn’t showing our kids who Jesus is. But me living out my faith in front of Kennedy is how she will (hopefully) come to know and love Jesus herself. 

“You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Deuteronomy 11:19 

Ask for forgiveness. Two men that I greatly respect as pastors and dads are Mark Long and Jerry Sweat. I remember Mark telling us about parenting and that the greatest thing you can do with your children is ask for forgiveness. Pastor Jerry also preached an incredible sermon on leaving a legacy of faith with your kids. I stole a lot of these ideas from that sermon so I’d encourage you to listen (listen here) to it if you are a parent or even want to be a parent one day! But both of them, amazing pastors, both love Jesus, both have multiple kids who have all grown up to love Jesus have one thing in common: They lived out authentic relationships with Jesus in front of their kids. When they messed up, and they did, they asked their children for forgiveness. I think our kids seeing that we aren’t perfect, allows them to see that God has grace on us through Jesus, and we can have grace on ourselves and with our children too.

So, even though we feel like failures more often than we would care to admit, have more #momfail moments than we hoped we ever would, it’s okay because at the end of the day when you tuck your kids in at night they aren’t going to remember those moments. They will remember the prayers you prayed with them, the times you taught them how to forgive others and themselves, how they can be anything they want to be because you are more than just a mom, and how deeply loved they are. Let’s remind each other, as parents, to depend on His grace and His perfection instead of beating ourselves up for our lack thereof.  We can rest, stop trying to be super moms, and decide to show our kids we have a super God. 

In the words of Pastor Jerry Sweat, “We will never be perfect parents, but we can be authentic parents seeking to raise our kids to know and love Jesus.” 

 

 

In light of all of the recent events with the gorilla and gator, I realized how much criticism and negativity is surrounding us. I mean, I don’t mean to sound all preachy, but seriously, “he who cast the first stone” and all. It’s like nowadays with the introduction of social media, people feel the need to have a voice and opinion about everyone else (I’m kind of doing that right now, oops). I myself am very flawed. The saying, “world’s most okayest mom” rings very true for me. Those of you who know me know I was very kid illiterate before having Kennedy. (Like, please don’t hand me your baby because I don’t  know what to do with it. “Is this how you old it, oops, I mean her?”) I had never even changed a diaper before having Kennedy, so it’s all a new learning experience for me. But regardless of that, aren’t we all flawed, as parents, friends, workers, spouses? We are so quick to criticize the celebrity who gained weight or the celebrity that is all of a sudden way too skinny in our opinion. We criticize parenting styles, opinions on all sorts of topics, and what’s the point at the end of the day? For those who are quick to criticize, do they think they aren’t flawed? Because if so, I really hope they never befriend me because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like them.

On the parent criticizing note, who for a second hasn’t taken their eyes off of their child? Daniel and I were at the lake, turned around for literally a second and Kennedy darted towards the water and we found her sitting on the edge. It was the scariest experience for us but good reminder to never take our eyes away from her when near water (or wild animals). But these poor families have lost children in freak accidents and we criticize instead of love and encourage. There’s a huge problem with that. 

Let’s “break the internet” and choose to speak life. As a words of affirmation person, words impact me. I remember compliments from years ago, but I also remember criticism from just as long ago too. I love the song “speak life” by Toby Mac because it reminds me to speak life to those I’m around. “Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted; watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope, you speak love, you speak…you speak Life”

Do you ever think of a compliment and don’t actually say it out loud? Say it. You may impact someone’s life for years to come. (Like me remembering in 7th grade when I was told I had a beautiful voice, which is definitely not true anymore…at all. But at least I still remember the compliment!) 

Encouraging those closest to us is often the hardest. I may be great at encouraging a friend or coworker, but what about the person I’m closest to and often the person I take most things out on. Do I speak life into my husband? (Um, babe, not to be naggy, but can you PLEASE close your drawers all the way?) Do I encourage him and am I his biggest cheerleader? If anyone has your back it should be your spouse, and oftentimes, I am not intentional about doing this for Daniel. When I wanted to quit my job, explore staying home with Kennedy, and then decided to launch a blog and start my own marketing consulting business, it was scary for us both. (Um, you want to do what, honey?) There was a lot of anxiety around that decision to step out in faith to something I felt God was calling me to do. Leave the “safe” place we were in and take a leap of faith. Daniel chose to speak life into me. He supported me, encouraged me, told me I’m a badass and I can do anything (I mean, an encouraging lie is also great sometimes). But he chose to speak life into me instead of let the anxiety of becoming a one-income family for a bit take over. It takes a lot of trust in God, who takes care of us and has a far bigger purpose for us than we could ever think, and it takes trust from your spouse and family to believe in you too. Life is too short to live in the mundane or to waste time being negative. Our pastor, Joby Martin, said recently, “God doesn’t need your ability, He wants your availability.” Maybe you are in a time of your life where you feel insignificant, small, flawed or just not worth much (Thanks a lot People Magazine). Well, we need our spouse, friends, family, Facebook community, etc. to rally around us to tell us the truth, that we are doing a kick-ass job, we each have super awesome and unique gifts, and we are more significant than we know! 

It takes confidence and leadership to encourage. Our pastor said, “leaders bring clarity and encouragement.” I want to have that kind of humble confidence to constantly build others up, encourage and speak life. Often we criticize to make ourselves feel better (you’d think we wouldn’t act like we are in middle school anymore, but oh well.) For me, I struggle a lot with the concept of leadership. I want to be a leader and not a follower, I want to lead when other follow. And the concept of leadership nowadays is skewed. We think it has to do with power, but it really has more to do with confidence to love, serve and encourage others. My biggest prayer for Kennedy when I was pregnant was that she would lead when others follow, that she would have a strength and peace from her confidence in who God made her to be. I prayed that even though she be tiny, she be fierce! The point here isn’t our stature (I’m sure she will always be the shortest in her class like I was, sorry Daniel, no volleyball scholarship) but that at times in our lives we all feel small. Small at our job, small at home, just small, insignificant, flawed (the media definitely helps at reminding us of that). But, God wants to remind us that we are anything but. And you know how you can remind yourself of that, Words in scripture of who God says He made you to be, words spoken by your spouse, by your family. But it’s a choice to encourage and build up. Choose to speak life because words matter.