It’s very strange to be back in this position of truly needing to muster that tiny, mustard seed-like faith to believe God can do the impossible. As many of you know, our journey to become parents has become a ministry for us, as we want to give other men and women comfort and hope through sharing our story. We’ve been through the ringer I like to say, and seen first hand how God can turn our waiting or tragedy into beauty and joy.
Recently, like a week or so ago, I finished and printed my first 10-day devo for women who’ve been in similar situations we have. The ironic thing about it is that the week after Pastor Joby challenged me to finish the devo so it could be used as a resource for women, I found out I was pregnant again. (Insert loud screaming mixed with a lot of hesitation and fear). Yep, you read that right, I’m preggers again, and mixed with a lot of joy, but I’m terrified too.
We decided a few months ago to pursue having a biological child again. We went back to our fertility doctor to see if he thought having the same procedure I had before we got pregnant with Kennedy to remove a septum and endometriosis would be a good idea. He said absolutely, let’s try it! So we had surgery to remove endometriosis in September. We got pregnant the next month (OMG!). So after I took about 6 pregnancy tests mostly because I never thought I’d see another positive pregnancy test for the rest of my life, we confirmed it with the doc and I started the “Kitchen Sink” method like I did with Kennedy which includes prescription prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid (I have to take like 400 times what normal women have to take), extra progesterone, and heparin shots in my belly twice a day. SO, with that update out there, our first ultrasound was this morning and MAN did the fear, anxiety and doubt creep in fast! The enemy didn’t waste any time with whispering those things in my ear.
I believe, help my unbelief. If you know our story you know I have a lot of reasons to be fearful that this pregnancy won’t work out. I’ve had more let down in my journey to parenthood than I have had victories. But through it all, God redeemed it with a perfect, healthy baby girl named Kennedy (and man is she going to be a world-changer). So knowing that, now that this pregnancy is becoming more real for me, I feel very much like that dad in Mark 9 when he said, “I believe, help my unbelief!” I believe that God is a good Dad, that He loves me, and that He always keeps His promises. I believe that despite my own inadequacies, He can knit this baby together perfectly. But given my past experience, there’s also a lot of fear, hesitation to get excited or believe this will work out, and anxiety that could cripple me. So I’m standing before you guys today, basically feeling naked because I hate being vulnerable, and saying I am there with you, I understand the hopelessness, hesitation and fear. But let’s cry out together, “I believe God, help my unbelief!”
Casting out fear. If we believe that God can do all things, that He loves us, and wants good things for us as His children not just in heaven, but here on earth too, then His character alone should encourage us to have faith and tell that fear to go hell (which is where it came from to begin with). Every morning, or every minute that fear or anxiety creeps in, stop and pray. Prayer is your direct line to God, your direct line to the peace that literally surpasses all understanding. Despite your circumstances, the stupid things people might say, the lies swirling around in your head, God has the whole world in His hands, including you. Give that fear back to Him, knowing He is the God of the Universe who also happens to love you and care about everything you care about. He’s a good Dad and He will take care of you, and that baby or future baby. Lay those fears at His feet every time you feel the fear rising again, and I promise you He will meet you there with confidence and hope.
God can move mountains. Do you believe in the power of God? That’s a big question you need to answer for yourself before this Truth can sink in to your heart and mind. I’ve seen His power first-hand time and time again, and I’ll never underestimate His power in my life again. If I truly believe God can move mountains, raise people from the dead, then I also believe that He can knit this baby together perfectly (or bring you that perfect baby however He chooses to do it) even if my body isn’t capable. When I was pregnant with Kennedy (our now almost 5 year old), I had this verse written out so I could see it everyday: “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) Read it again, write it down, pray over it, because it Has POWER. God’s plans are always better than our plans, He loves us with a crazy love, and I’ve seen Him redeem any situation that seemed impossible when it came to becoming parents. So despite my past experiences, despite my own fears and insecurities, I can truly believe that God brought us to this place, and He will work in miraculous ways, because NOTHING is impossible for God.
All we need is a tiny faith in a BIG God. He has the power of life and death, and believe with me that He can and will work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Need help believing that? Then you need to tap into it. He’s always there waiting for us to just BE with Him. Spend some time in prayer. Decide to stop and pray before calling your friend, mom or sister. Ask those people to be praying for you too because prayer is POWERFUL.
If you’re feeling fearful today, pray this with me:
God, if I’m honest, I’m fearful. I don’t know how this will all work out. I’m trying to control things that are simply out of my control. I relinquish these fears to you and lay them at your feet. I will do this every day when I start to become fearful again. God, I trust you, I know that you love me and have an amazing plan for me. Help me remember today and everyday how deep your love is for me, and how much you want good things for me, not just in heaven, but on this earth also.